Modern toilets and daves arse!

Dave woke from a somewhat disturbed and unrestful sleep. He had spent the night with his face covered by a pillow in the hope his wifes snoring would somehow be made bearable. It wasnt!. With dark red eyes he threw his legs out of bed, shuffled his feet in search of the floor and grumbled his way towards the bathroom. His eyes adjusted enough so he could now inspect his tired looking features in the bathrrom mirror. He noted the redness in his eyes and cursed the noises still emanating from the bedroom. Splashing his face with cold water brought dave to a state of complete misery. While asleep Dave could be a hero or a great lover. He transported himself to different worlds where his life made sense and he was truly revered. Once awake he became dave again. The miserable bastard who went out of his way to make life difficult for everyone he came into contact with. He also remembered who he was married to. Every day he woke up and was hit in the face with reality and it made him unhappy. He turned from the mirror and stared at the toilet, gently lifting his nightshirt he stroked his oversize belly and contemplated a bowl movement. Sitting down on the padded seat, the toilet began its tirade.
The toilet was a new Japanese medical machine that can tell what you have been eating and how good or bad your diet is. About a hundred years earlier the English government on the advice of the world health organisation had decided that every aspect of life could be monitored to make sure everyone was getting the most out of their time on earth. It took the form of a microchip which could be implanted in any device and programmed to monitor how the device was used. The TV for example would detect who was watching and for how long. Later the TV would be able to decide if this was bad for you and would switch off. It could detect your stress levels and decided for your own health that it was time for you to go out and get some exercise. As you can imagine the life expectancy of a TV was a little over a month. It got much worse when some bright spark found a way to turn them off during soap operas, which led to a massive rise in divorce rates with people having to speak to each other.The government did eventually relent though and it was because of the Japanese medibog toilet. The medibog was a breakthrough in technology, a device which could actually test whatever was flushed away and give an analysis of the contents. This led to the device giving advice on diet and which foods are good or bad for you. some later versions even ordered your shopping to make sure its advice was followed. The government thought it a marvel of invention and saw people getting healthier by the day. The strain on the health service was also decreased. The medical profession thought it brilliant as they could concentrate more of their efforts in areas more lucrative such as plastic surgery and breast enlargement. "No more stomach stapling required" headlined several newspapers along with a centre spread of the latest design. It did have one or two drawbacks though. The last of the really intelligent medibogs had the ability to communicate with a modem and a voice synthesiser. Its memory of food recipes was second to non and even invented some interesting recipes using fish. It was installed in the home of a rich family in the B sector of space, where all the wealthy people live. Models and zero g sports stars bought property here as it provided a level of security unprecedented in all the living sectors. The police chief lived there too, his police cruiser parked so everyone could see it and its speeding radar could see for an area of eleven sectors. People here generally had three spaceships. A sports model, a shopping carrier and the works vehicle. people also had plenty of dongs in the bank.
One afternoon the youngest boy of the family decided to help himself to a jumbo bag of assorted chocolates. A five and a half pound bag to be exact. When he went to the Medibog as you can imagine it went nuts. It phoned social services and reported the family for neglect. Government representatives came and gave the family counselling on why a good childrens diet was important for future development and why chocolate was considered not suitable for children particularly in such large quantities. They even produced a graph charting how fat the child would end up if he continued to eat such foods. It looked like alfred hitchcock. The uproar it caused was immense. World condemnation of the English government followed with cries of "Invasion of Privacy" and "Leave the fat kid alone". People decided they did not want their lives scrutinised in this way. To be monitored to such levels and dictated to was bad enough but to be investigated for it because of a toilet was too much. It didn't help when they later discovered the chocolates the boy ate were low fat and were in fact good for him. It seems the medibog had not downloaded the latest update containing information on how to detect this particular type of chocolate. This led to Medibogs being downgraded and limited to giving advice only. The voice unit also now had an off button. This turned out to be a godsend as people did not want to listen to complaints about the smell first thing in the morning. The medibog manufacturer thought it had better change its tarred image and came back with a scheme to instill confidence back into its customers. It changed the voice box and got several film stars to lend their voices to the device. You could have a range of actors asking you to "Take a Dump". You could even program your own voice into it.The company never really recovered.Dave sat on his Medibog as usual and as usual it asked him in his wifes voice why he was not dead yet. He broke wind, pulled up his enormous pyjamas and slouched off towards the kitchen

red and purple in space. What difference does it make. In space everythings black!

"What do you mean its not the right shade?" Dave was trying to remain calm. His morning had had began with the same marital argument. His wife had spent too much of daves money and refused to explain herself. Dave had tried in vain to wrestle her credit cards from her bag and as usual he had lost the fight. A bruise above his right eye and that feeling of weekness, knowing he could never win put dave into a fowl mood.
"its a red rapter and its been painted red!"
It had taken three tonnes of violet aluminium spacepaint to cover the rapters engine fender. The rapter had collided with a spacewreck on its last voyage and the insurance company had paid for a new body panel and some paint work. Mr oldcodge the rapters owner had come to collect the craft and was complaining that the colour was not the right shade.
"you are in space!, who is going to see it? How often do you get pulled over and someone says do you know your back wings the wrong colour. I can imagine it now the space police giving you a ticket for incorrect use of colour in space. When space is essentially pitch black what does it matter if the colour is a bit off shade?"
Mr oldcodge put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a fusion torch. The torch illuminated the entire reception area with a bright light temporarily blinding everyone within sixty feet. An elderly lady standing at the reception counter fell backwards in a panic.
"oh my god what the hell is that?"
Smarting from the light she took off her glasses and rubbed here eyes. It took a moment for her to regain her composure and after replacing her glasses she glared at mr oldcodge.
"I could have been blinded then sonny, watch where you're pointing that thing". The old lady adjusted her hat and marched towards the complaints dept.
Mr oldcodge pointed the torch through the reception window and aimed it at his parked spacecraft. The rapter lit up and the whole side of the craft was now visible.
"Now look. That back wing is definitely a different colour than the front one. If I take that home the wife will go nuts. She loves that piece of junk, she couldn't be seen in a spaceship with different coloured wings. What would the neighbours say. I'd never hear the end of it if i took that home. It's the wrong shade of red. Its no good you will have to paint it again"
Dave looked at mr oldcodge like he was talking to an idiot.
" you are joking! It took us two months to paint it last time. You cant just put some paint in a spraygun and splash it about you know. It takes two hundred rolls of masking tape to cover that side. We had to truck a tanker load of paint from saturn two. And i'm not even gonna talk about all the sandpaper we used".
" I don't care, my wife wont ride round in a spacecraft with an off colour back wing!"
"How about a nice stripe down the side instead? We could have that done by the next symester!" Dave pulled a brochure from under the counter and showed some images to mr oldcodge. A newer model rapter with a wide green stripe down the side took mr oldcodges fancy.
" the mrs would love a pink stripe. Can you do a pink stripe?"
" YES! and if you come back on thursday it will be ready"